2000: saga

From back when I put time into writing:


Meeting then knowing for five minutes/forever inimitable unknowable always known knowledge deeply softly unmentioned understanding ~ Not knowing past yet aware of essence in situ of personal loss of self ~ Never defining, declining, the copperplate precision in dancing molecules of lightning fast empathetic connection ~ Flames blossoming on-screen amid laughter ~ Kamikaze technology ~ Granting unsaid boons unbeknownst to the receivers ~ Discussions of confusing clarity ~ Refusing to be sucked in ~ Don’t think of surrender ~ Refusing to lose control of an inner dialogue ~ Release is always so hard ~ Perhaps only for me ~ ~ ~
Breaking through to morning of times past…

Awoken by a typewriter of birds banging out sonnets in the rosebush outside my window, (And wilt thou have me fashion into speech DING! Line Space. Carriage Return. The love I bear thee, finding words enough DING! The birds hacking it out), with a name upon my lips that tastes of tainted honey. My mind still reaching for the dark feminine underbelly of dreamscapes freedom. The image of a man facing half away from me. There is a wind. A rooftop with an ocean of orange light. “When will that happen?” No mention of green plastic foreign made forks. It is yet to happen, as is the scene grasped and held, is still now cradled in the future.

Later dancing in black lace for my minds implosion. Sweetest was the effortless, the (un)forbidden touch while block breaking beats pounding rhythmically from the exbank vault deafen the highgilted walls. A small furry animals care in locking the bars softly assuring that there will only be the little deaths tonight. Knowing that the constellations of this step have been etched only over years, but the irony releases the wallflower to bloom in a tangled back seat. Ticklefighters caught embarrassed in the moment of being on top. Laughing inside my head at this embrace behind the door. Gleeful in possessing secret knowledge, I dance half hour more before ruining his ego.

Lights sinuously revealing equally jagged movement. Apples nectar fades to an old flash of pain in a car moving east. The warmth spreading, a hidden inner smile revealed in a cradled chin. A thank you never said for a moment of contact. Looking back on that day with almost pain empty in my chest. Regrets in mine head screaming to me that there’s a deep wrongness in any friend that could grow such hungry puerile demanding inside.

Remembering… {sighs} Always a painful endeavor. I have traveled to a place that I remember from my youth. Its glass citadels settling their shapes into a framework I did not know existed within myself. Flashes of being a child and still trusting my father. Riding in an orange van to an unknown destination with strangers met in the street not twenty-four hours before. Feeling safe, warm, and welcome. Healing those that require a touch in the dark and real name, whispered name. [Meeting then knowing for five minutes/forever inimitable unknowable always known knowledge deeply softly unmentioned understanding]

I had forgotten so much…

There is a joyful freedom in strength *(?)* recalled

I smile more now that I have returned. Inner voice uplifted. Scars are souvenirs that cannot be lost, yet now it is possible to thank them again for being a part of my form, for helping define the shape of the letters that burn in darkness on the inside of my skull.

Visiting often with my uninteresting would-be stalker. Never knowing that facts could tie an ice-cream truck to a SWAT team within my reality. Never knowing that such interest could lay behind the door that was ever closed. Blackbeards many wives coming to fore and winning inside the ancient corkscrew turnings of ignored horror movie scripts. Fuzzy logic and String Theory collide in a bed, soft with night tinted bedding with no screaming from the shower to break the silence.

Finding an old phone number in an old computer file and calling up with the off chance of an answer. Remembered busstop meeting from over a year ago tearing through a strangers psyche. Saying goodbye and being taken by surprise when she tried to steal a kiss. A slippery tongue against my closed lips proof of another lost to the charms that I must assume are mine.

Still always wishing deeply that the art of keeping a secret from myself has been buried and lost.

Meeting and finding interest hiding in a redclad stranger. The Norns enjoying the pattern embedded in flesh. Creating a year, a decade, and a century, all in a day. Simplicity bemused when written into a mythical will of whimsicalities. Never showing the surprise when egging on so easily wins a view of the city. Carrying joy in my company and no longer sad with seeing them fall.

Knowing it won’t be true for maybe never still

A moment snatched together at the top of the stairs. Everyone in green and only now beginning to end the game of trying to curtail the snake. Distracted laughter drunkenly drifting through the banister railings absorbed and ignored by our conversation. Revelations that we did not need to know bestowed upon fascinated ears. The rapture is coming in the time intervening, an apology half whispered couples violently with the kisses upon my neck. The uninstinct overwhelming with a silent shout of ‘mine’ echoing through my system.

Stonefaced angels caught in the raintorrent of singing. The beacon of my voice sweeping the graves while I stand atop where a marker once stood. Overlooking, blending in, pretending to be part of a russet lit plain filled with decaying personalities in wool twined business suits. Behind me, the maestro approaches the muse and gifts her with a glimpse of the gray galleon in which he rode the weather. Returning to the kitchen, stepping to the melody of mutual cooking, a glimpse of desire unnerving with the bloodpull upon me. Still wanting to fight my battle, yet uncertain of the consequences and how to win, I will temporarily decide to lose to unsurity and the moment of contact.

Instant understanding comes only to those who wait with intent.

There’s no learning curve if I never have to struggle.

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