Day: November 14, 2004

in return for   making me,

which is so sweetly terrific that I actually blushed,

I’ve made

 

edit: and one for angrybunnyman

:

 

Like you
I love you
This delicate beating wings of heart bound
______it’s joy and glory
forgettable persephone face

At some point sleep will have to happen. I work in six hours for seven hours. With children. The children of middle america in all their sex-starved television pap addled flag-waving glory. This is not looking very positive. The sky outside is an ugly orange bruise and I missed my chance at dancing this month.

Maybe I need someone to curl up with. A warm thing to hold me and breathe with limbs entangled, legs scissored together, hands caught in hair. I can’t claim it would help, but it’s the thought that slips under my eyelids when I lie awake in the dark tonight. The only change I can think of. It’s not that I’m not tired. I am frankly exhausted, but in spite of the pillows and the blankets and the twisted piles of velvet and silks that I’ve been filling my bed with, it still feels empty. There’s an absence, like I might reach out and feel fine desert sand where my sheets should be. Hollow spaces reaching to the horizons of my room with the voice of an empty heart.

I’m so cold tonight. I’m considering making hot chocolate but to leave my room would be to admit defeat. Chilled skin and stiff fingers, I’m curling in on myself to save heat. There’s plenty of blankets but no warmth. This could also be part of the problem, but I suspect it’s more symptomatic. I notice because right now I notice everything. The texture of the comforter, the way my earring catches on Prospero’s fur, the weight of my teeth, the taste on my tongue that tells me my body needs to heal and rest. It’s a peculiar feeling, being aware of the mattress depressing with the weight of this thinking meat. I don’t like it very much.

Alrighty – I am up at three:thirty in the morning kicking myself for forgetting it’s the second saturday of the month today. To make up for it to the folk who expected to see me tarted up earlier this evening, here’s some music. I’ve hooked my friend Bobbi up to Mperia. So far there’s only one song, but it’s so Cruxshadows as to be adorable. I had to put it on repeat simply for the hyper eigthies lyrics. I can’t imagine how many scads of gothlets must have thought he was dreamy around the time I was six. Peer pressure will make him put more music up, more recent music, I promise. Let’s get cracking – check him out.

I’m tired. Physically it feels like there’s been hot wires implanted into my muscles that snap when I move. I have to switch over a daytime schedule. I have to pamper my right arm so it doesn’t fall off during work. I’m starting to worry about syndromes and sicknesses. Trapped for seven hours on-line, I have nothing to do but stay there after and the tendons are incredibly unimpressed. They complain with swelling lines of fire. I used to wrap my damaged wrists when I was younger, I may have to again to keep myself from raised lines of carpel tunnel. Bind myself from using my mouse right handed. I watch myself get worse and then forget. Typing is starting to hurt.

It seems more people are reading though less are commenting. I’m beginning to be curious. How on earth can I keep track?

The times are a’changing. Silva‘s moving and so is Angus, they’re going to be living mere blocks from one another. More reason to leave my house heading east on Hastings. Ride towards the rollarcoaster, go into the light. My boy Alastair‘s been sending me a story seed from L.A.  Nanobots and coma recovery, it’s odd and sci-fi and I suspect he’s thinking about it too much. He’s taking it into places I can’t access. I hope to see him soon, there are vague machinations for a trip down in the works. James is settling in okay as far as I can tell, we and Ray went for dinner last night then failed to see a concert. Usual fare, really, for our luck. Javina‘s going to be spending December with us. An odd thread of the general tapestry of interaction, but one that might gleam more than not. People have been associating the two of us on-line now, so now there will finally be a basis for it? In January Joseph is slinking into town, the first person to blossom me back into human. I haven’t seen him in four years. I wonder if we’re still in love, I wonder how he’s grown and if I’m still his wickedness. We messed around less than a gradeschool romance because we never had ten minutes alone. I have a feeling I’ve grown into someone he could construe as severely intimidating. It will be more than interesting, it will be discovery. He just saw my purple hair for the first time two weeks ago. “That’s you?” And, yes, Bill hasn’t called back yet, but he might soon. I was fielding calls for him all day. If nothing else, he owes me for an old friend it looks like I might be putting him back in touch with.

As a general note: If anyone would like to take the ferret out for a stroll in the park tomorrow while I’m working, it would be greatly appreciated. I’ll buy you an ice-cream cone. He’s been vaguely neglected of late, I haven’t been leaving the house much. Skatia needs more exercise than I’ve been well enough to give.

It’s time to tumble into sleep, huddle in the trenches of dream and sleep.