Yesterday I was to Beth’s. I got derailed. I had to stop at the house before the final bit of travel. I’d left one or two things there I needed. When I got there He was there. I did what I had to do and shattered. He was so happy to have me gone it was sickening. I smashed – I died. I cried on the porch for an eternity of pain.
He showed his concern by calling someone to take me away.
“Hick darling…I couldn’t say je t’aime et je t’adore as I longed to do, but always remember I am saying it, that I go to sleep thinking of you.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt, in a letter to Lorena Hickok
It’s been a hard few days. The veneer is wearing thin. I feel as if any moment I will crack and shatter into a thousand pain shaped pieces. My mask of congeniality is brittle. Spun of sugar and solid as false glass.
The couch of has been mine for the last couple of nights. He came to the house and helped me with my suitcases. All I took with me. I’m grateful, yet I feel so guilty. Today I’m going to try and find if I can ferry some things out of here to somewhere else. The crocus I got for him is blooming. Three nights would be too many. Tonight is having a girly sleep-over evening and I think I’m going to try and do that.
I have to go to the house today first, and that makes me scared. I don’t know if I’d rather He was away or at His home.
Anyhoo – arrangements have been made whilst I was on-line. is lending me his pass, so I can get my traveling done without running out of bustix, and Aiden is going to help my carry things about.
I don’t know what else to say. I wish I were happy.
I miss you at night beside me. The absence of fire.
Would anyone have any boxes kicking around?
I have been told to leave. As of today I’m homeless.
I’ve put all my pretty things away – I’ve put them in Brenda’s bench. A dead womans chest for a dead piece of happiness. More than fitting – proper.
Thank you to everyone who’s offered to share thier private spaces with a broken girl. It means a lot to have any sort of kindness right now. If anyone has space for more mundane things in their homes, I have a chair, a desk, a chest of drawers and a bookshelf that need somewhere to bunk as well. (As well as some not quite ordinary furniture for folk of my age, like a china cabinet). Or, if you’re the type – I have more than enough books to keep your company through the long hours.
Today the montage consists of a broken chair with leather tanned by blood; an agonising walk too far, too far; chocolate ice-cream I can’t pretend to afford; practically free money; and having the Actors Society of Canada swoop in with thier life-saving action. Hy-ah.
It barks at no one else but me
Like it’s seen a ghost
I guess it seen the sparks a-flowing
No one else would know
I’m in denial about a lot of things. I like calling in denial having hope.
Sometimes I get overcharged
That’s when you see sparks
You ask me where the hell I’m going
At a thousand feet per second
There’s almost 20 rolls of film waiting cold in the icebox, waiting with infinite patience to be developed. Tomorrow I have a job interview – perhaps their matyrdom will spur me onwards to greatness.
I don’t want to worry whether we’re going stay together till we die
I want to jump in
Unless this music’s stomping
All the dishes rattle when the elephants arrive
The other end of the crackling wire attached to the voice of Astral Books today. The owner can’t speak – I think that’s why they want me to work there. Less than minimum wage because I can speak to a man with no voice.
I might say yes because it’s better than nothing.
So today started well – Got up, out of the house, (forgetting to bring someone’s number, of course, because I’m an idiot. My apologies mr. ellis), and hit the Drive with a bag full of resume’s. Hit everywhere I wanted to and one or two extras, nothing amazing, no-one terribly interested, but still – I was hopeful. Then came the bad bit. On my way up to Broadway, (so I could go and harrass other bits of the city and try and convince them of my brilliance), disaster.
I dropped my buspass getting off the bus and some damned kid nabbed it and got away!!
So now completely broke – I am without transport. Lovely. Now I’ve rezzies and people to give them to – I cannot GET to where I need to give them, nor meet them if they wish an interview. I am totally and completely stuck. And in a house where I’m not exactly welcome. Whee.