posting because stephen asked me to

Fall from jamie scott.

I’ve been defeated. Bad luck won and this is it, as the cold closes in, there’s nothing else to feel.

Been seeing someone since this summer. It hasn’t changed anything, except that his company’s nice when we’re getting along. Still nothing’s getting in, nothing’s getting out. There’s no love, no shine. My heart doesn’t bump, I don’t lean towards their name. I could say that there’s walls up, except it’s worse than that, as it seems instead that there’s simply nothing left to protect. It would worry me, except that seems scraped clean, too. My internal fires have all burned out.

He’s taking us to New York for New Year’s Eve, an odd, confounding echo of last year. He’s never been and lights up at the idea. I’ve been, as usual, the planner, the toss-things-until-they-stick-er. Finding places to eat, visit, and sleep.

Meanwhile, I remain massively unemployed even though I interview with a potentially life-changing position at least once every two months, frequently as one of the two last candidates. A couple of companies even went so far as to offer me employment before reneging, leaving me panic-scrambling to replace the already scarce gigs and contracts I had cleaned out of my schedule to make room for the new job. At least now I expect my second interview to be cancelled before it even happens, which helps keep the stress down.

Like the desire for a silver necklace, the need to find somewhere to put her hands.

Ancient Virus Gave Wasps Their Sting

David has been cursing from the kitchen this evening. Little bursts of oddly personal swearing accompanied by the tiny rain-like clatter of LED lights falling to the floor. He bought them on our walk home and has been pinning them up into the crease where the walls meet the ceiling in the kitchen, something I’ve been meaning to do for months, since I put the mirrors up, but never managed to financially justify. I think it will be pretty when it’s done, in the usual way muted lights sort of always are, like unobtrusively holding hands with someone you bravely love.

Me, I’m tinkering with my computer while catching up on Penn Says, Penn Jillette’s Sony-funded personal video blag, sincerely one of my favourite things on the internet. It’s not something I check on daily, like Sorry-Mom (I bang the worst dudes), but it makes me continually happy, so much so that I’ve made sure to pop in at least once a month since he started it over a year ago to listen to everything he posts. He’s intelligent, funny, and classically cynical, (and self-mocking), while remaining just unique enough I don’t agree with everything he says, a devastating mixture of traits I can only find attractive.