James and I went out for cake last night. Wazubi’s was closed, so we went to the coffeebar next door. I love how small this city is.
I finally have what I want.
Nathanial was there. I caught him by the way he moves. The way his hands brush his hair behind his shoulders, his laugh and his nod. I was suddenly shocked. There was a swell of memory, washing away any thoughts. his face through the keyhole, the family photos working on, standing naked while he sketched, his knees on the hardwood floor. My heart kicked. I felt obscurely glad that my blonde clone was obviously no longer. cooking my feet playing hackysack in the alley, the marijuana I was growing on the porch, the man at the shop as I bought the condoms we’d never use (I ran into Chetan that day, and the sageman again, I waited at home for you and you brought her. I had never slept with someone so uncomfortable as gavin was that night.) As soon as I saw him I knew I would ask. As soon as I looked, I knew who he hadn’t slept with yet. I knew he knew the girl in the wheelchair better than he knew me. I knew that I would, if need be, take him by the arm and terrify him again. “there is no destiny, but you can still talk to me”
I’d forgotten how pretty he is, how handsome, how our interactions were so emotionless. I know he thought of me before going to sleep. I know he had a flash of those days too, but he hardly looks different.