Oh my……. That’s really all I have in my thoughts right now. Again into the theatre, I’ve been hired again. Knew I would be if I hung around, it was a risk I was willing to take. Reno and Tracey. What a fantabulous pair. Actors with actors can be a good thing or it can be horrid. In this case it’s so very fun that I think I got a contact high. Alistaire came along as well, and after dropping Robin off on a bus, we helped with teardown afterward. He left when the socializing started boiling down to family. Gary & Linda, Reno & Tracey. I hope he found his friends.
oh I can taste the smoke
It’s been so long since I’ve been to the Firehall. Terrible memories. The Firehall is where I first realized that Bill was shutting me out of His Show. Bull in a China Shop, reviled be thy name. More important than family, than a dead child, than a We, an Us, a Me. That’s how long it’s been. Right after the Towers fell. Tonight was sweet though. I’m giddy with it. Closing night show, a slow start, but building into something powerfully amusing. A woman slips from her wedding to drive randomly, collapsing finally in Alaska. A slight premise and one that would only work elsewhere as movie of the week. Flawless.
there’s something about it
Once the applause died, I had to continually bite back the urge to set everything right. Stage Manager to the fray. Twice I told myself out loud, “This is not my show. What am I doing?” Fashioning authority from air. Too good for my own good, again. Black dressed young men assuming I know what I’m doing. Fools. I can haul things again, though I can feel that I shouldn’t quite. My shoulders not as up to par as I would want. I’m still broken from the accident. It’s a very small hell, one that burns self love to cinders that simmer painfully. Tender words heal all though. Re-connecting with Reno and Tracey is golden. They’re brilliant and insane. I’m low key, but I match a little. I fit enough to be happy in their company. Reno dove out of the theatre into the hall at me. “I heard you laughing” Exuberance, her hair has changed. It’s been forever and a day since I’ve seen her. I was so surprised she recognized me right off, but pleased. I’m not lost. I’m not left behind anymore. Tracey launching in immediately about how I saved our show eons ago. The Kevin Conway disaster. Putting things into the dressing room box, I felt like kissing them both. Outside, when everything had been put into the vans and we all sat with drinks on the veranda, I felt somehow home again. In Vancouver, only the theater folk smoke. I mentioned to Gary how strange it seemed to be in such company without Bill and he told me it was certainly quieter. The Chu’s haven’t seen him since sometime in the summer. I told them I miss him, and Linda assured me that he’ll come around eventually, but in spite of it, I snicked in place without my missing piece. I’m my own person again and recognized for it.
it makes my mouth water
Such a small city I live in, such a small world. I will always love this. Sitting with actors who are gloriously ON, being the sole audience of a two person show. Back and forth, sparks and my attention given equally between. Endless parade of spectre and emotion. To know I can do this, that I’m not longer a shadow, is to no longer assume the lesser part of the equation. I’m even, I’m aware. Wry smiles at my self realizations, because I never thought to be remembered for my work. Theater back when it was a dayjob, a nightjob. What We Did. Back when I was sleeping in theaters. That people miss me back, I never would have guessed. It’s life again. To stand up to the praise and take it square, knowing that I will hold it up, because I will. I swear I can, because I will learn how, because of this. I never thought of myself as one of Us. Under this is a hard solid place to stand.
kiss me with this on your tongue
This has been certainly a day of interesting beginnings. Deeper into truth.
Push it past me, push it more.
Give me more, world.
and you’ll keep me forever right that moment