Day: October 3, 2004

Oh dear god. The worst has happened. I have crossed the line from geek to nerd. I not only answered someone’s saying “Groo?” with “No cheesedip”, I also didn’t blink when they then told me they meant it as an onomatopoeic. This while carrying on a conversation in another window entirely in archaic language.

I think it’s the cheesedip what damns me. Next thing I’ll be dressing up like Linsners Dawn and swanning around conventions with people dressed as stormtroopers in lingerie. The thought gives me the Fear. Maybe I’ll be lucky and only catch the edges of postmodern sleaze. Cross fingers, knock on wood. I am more than satisfied with pictures of such events. I’m sure they’re fun, but as I don’t drink, there would be nothing to take the edge off my awareness. I think I would need that.

I think….. Actually…. I think it’s the kids today. They’re far worse than usual. Two of the girls have discovered that saying they’re bleeding all over thier keyboards from cutting gets them attention from the boys thought of as “cute” in the chatroom. (The deciding logic of who wants to date who escapes me). Particularly annoying to me is that the head “cute” boy is a severe fundie. So chat runs mainly today between the cutters and the fundies interspersed with the usual mind scraping talk about teen celebraties, pokemon, and in-chat dating. I’m tongue tied. If I say even one of the things that occurs to me in such a situation, I’m sure I’ll lose my job.

Bring me gelati before I die.

There are words made of letters unwritten and letters made of the most transparent words. Some of them are praiseworthy, but most of them are only amusing to ourselves. The architecture of communication. Spires and arches, darlings, spires and arches.

Today is Sukkot. After work I go to Silva’s to celebrate. She’s all that ties me to religion. It must be comforting to believe in something. Somehow I think I have a lack, following nothing. There must be something missing. Then my humour pops in saying “yes, brainwashing”.I respect Silva so very much that I respect her beliefs, though somehow not the beliefs themselves. My disconnection doesn’t stop me from loving the singing, from learning the prayers for their beauty. Sukkot is what is left of an old harvest festival dedicated to the Goddess. About an hour ago, the celebrations began. By the time I get there, the sukkah will have been built, (a harvest hut, made of branches and flowers and produce), on the back porch, and the kitchen door will have been taken entirely off so that the kitchen is the sukkah extension. Candles will have been lit, and I might miss the potluck. I’m allowed. If I was slightly more organized, there would be a pie in the oven as I write this, but alas, I have nothing yet to bring but my voice. I should put music on to sing along to, so my voice is warm when I get there. It would be nice to read the book in richer tones than I’m used to. We pass it around and tell stories. We’re all educated in various ways, we all know of Lillith.

How heavy are angels, I wonder. What is the weight of divinity?

Morning people. I woke to discover that Mckenzee‘s posted up asking if anyone can help him. It would be appreciated if you could toss him some coin or even pass on this request. He’s very worth your time. Thanks.

 We are suffering a severe cash flow problem. I am not legally eligible to work in Paris and my telecommuting gig has been dead for months.

No, I’m not going to post a Paypal button here.

Instead, I make the following requests.

 Like my photos?
Buy something here. I take requests if there is a recent photo you would like on a T-shirt. Unfortunately, most of them are low-rez, so they wouldn’t look that good.

Like my comic?
Buy something from Sinister Merchandise. Personally, I like the coffee cup. I get a dollar or two for each thing bought. Send Sinister Christmas presents!

Like my writing?
Check this out and join Wired Fiction . I’ll get a cut once the site starts showing a profit.

I take requests.
Want an icon, short story, Sinister Comic created from your photo? Any other suggestions?

Oh my……. That’s really all I have in my thoughts right now. Again into the theatre, I’ve been hired again. Knew I would be if I hung around, it was a risk I was willing to take. Reno and Tracey. What a fantabulous pair. Actors with actors can be a good thing or it can be horrid. In this case it’s so very fun that I think I got a contact high. Alistaire came along as well, and after dropping Robin off on a bus, we helped with teardown afterward. He left when the socializing started boiling down to family. Gary & Linda, Reno & Tracey. I hope he found his friends.

oh I can taste the smoke

It’s been so long since I’ve been to the Firehall. Terrible memories. The Firehall is where I first realized that Bill was shutting me out of His Show. Bull in a China Shop, reviled be thy name. More important than family, than a dead child, than a We, an Us, a Me. That’s how long it’s been. Right after the Towers fell. Tonight was sweet though. I’m giddy with it. Closing night show, a slow start, but building into something powerfully amusing. A woman slips from her wedding to drive randomly, collapsing finally in Alaska. A slight premise and one that would only work elsewhere as movie of the week. Flawless.

there’s something about it

Once the applause died, I had to continually bite back the urge to set everything right. Stage Manager to the fray. Twice I told myself out loud, “This is not my show. What am I doing?” Fashioning authority from air. Too good for my own good, again. Black dressed young men assuming I know what I’m doing. Fools. I can haul things again, though I can feel that I shouldn’t quite. My shoulders not as up to par as I would want. I’m still broken from the accident. It’s a very small hell, one that burns self love to cinders that simmer painfully. Tender words heal all though. Re-connecting with Reno and Tracey is golden. They’re brilliant and insane. I’m low key, but I match a little. I fit enough to be happy in their company. Reno dove out of the theatre into the hall at me. “I heard you laughing” Exuberance, her hair has changed. It’s been forever and a day since I’ve seen her. I was so surprised she recognized me right off, but pleased. I’m not lost. I’m not left behind anymore. Tracey launching in immediately about how I saved our show eons ago. The Kevin Conway disaster. Putting things into the dressing room box, I felt like kissing them both. Outside, when everything had been put into the vans and we all sat with drinks on the veranda, I felt somehow home again. In Vancouver, only the theater folk smoke. I mentioned to Gary how strange it seemed to be in such company without Bill and he told me it was certainly quieter. The Chu’s haven’t seen him since sometime in the summer. I told them I miss him, and Linda assured me that he’ll come around eventually, but in spite of it, I snicked in place without my missing piece. I’m my own person again and recognized for it.

it makes my mouth water

Such a small city I live in, such a small world. I will always love this. Sitting with actors who are gloriously ON, being the sole audience of a two person show. Back and forth, sparks and my attention given equally between. Endless parade of spectre and emotion. To know I can do this, that I’m not longer a shadow, is to no longer assume the lesser part of the equation. I’m even, I’m aware. Wry smiles at my self realizations, because I never thought to be remembered for my work. Theater back when it was a dayjob, a nightjob. What We Did. Back when I was sleeping in theaters. That people miss me back, I never would have guessed. It’s life again. To stand up to the praise and take it square, knowing that I will hold it up, because I will. I swear I can, because I will learn how, because of this. I never thought of myself as one of Us. Under this is a hard solid place to stand.

kiss me with this on your tongue

This has been certainly a day of interesting beginnings. Deeper into truth.
Push it past me, push it more.
Give me more, world.
Please?

and you’ll keep me forever right that moment