Day: October 12, 2004

I think a princess. I think diamonds glittering like Man Ray tears. I think heat and passion and fucking. Plastic behaviour. Plastic reasoning, mass produced. I don’t vote but I should. I want to wear a dress today but I feel too stand-offish. Snare drum Piccasso day, guitar strum reverb explosion. He’s here, but I’m alone. Alone again and always and really I should learn to quit this drug. Hair-dye streaming down my legs in the shower. I turned the water to burn. It ran into ice. My ex doesn’t return phonecalls. I love you forever, I love you for always. Whoopsie dearest, your age is showing. Cut it off with a clean silver knife, take it like flesh to char.

I think a castle. I think ramparts like cut-stone celtic crosses to bear. I think you said, she said, I said Now. Masonry huge, heavy and thick. It’s getting ugly. Every month someone tells me they love my dancing.

Maybe I should get used to it, but everything needs to be different.

Give me dishes and pots and pans.

I’ll give it three days. Last visit it took three days to tie flesh to soul. It could be only that I need that time again, like he traveled too fast and it’s reeling in behind him. Beginning, middle, and end. Just go ahead and touch it, run fingers along this razor edge of apathy. Maiden, mother, and crone. Three days to find desire fluttering in my fingers, to catch the elusive and cage it.

Ethan, Ian, and Angus came over last night and stayed until early this morning. I went to bed at four, waking at eight. I tried to tire myself, but no food didn’t help. Still no sleep, still no peace. My mind is pacing, angrily stepping out the confines of my skull. One hateful thought after another. The future holds glass and class warfare, but I don’t care. The future holds pain and disease and love in a pill. Chemical imbalance mechanically introduced because everything’s better with electricity. Spark it arcing across your lips, cut your lips for copper conductivity. The taste of metal dreams, of sex with implanted kinks.