Day: June 17, 2004

My life is full of unaccustomed pieces. People mostly. Conversations full of wit and appreciation.
I spent time with unlikely people today and am glad for it. A thin sheet of interest covering everything, keeping me from sleeping. This must be close to the best I can be while here in Vancouver. Whatever it is that I’m doing, it feels like I’m falling. I feel a freedom.

I called Mishka to tell her of my new place. She was hard pressed to believe that I Liked a boy and couldn’t understand why I didn’t “just go jump him”. Beautious simple answers. She’s coming into town for this weekend. I may insist we go swimming. I would like to splash in water with her. It’s been a very long time since we’ve held eachother. She says her hair is lighter now than mine, but I know my blood is deeper.

I love living on the Drive.

Michael was on my messenger this afternoon and we arranged to meet for lunch. “Hey baby – you’re so cute – you know you picked the better man” We met on the same day as I met Bill. I tried calling him today, as he was to call me, but he apparently wasn’t there. Ex-Love only reaffirming my predisposed thoughts on him. Daniel answered. I don’t know what he thinks of me these days. Never my friend really, but friendly.
June fourth.

There was a bit of trepidation about picking up my paycheck. Adding to it is the fact I tend to forget that I recieve the things. Little numbered pieces of paper – how worthless. Thankfully there wasn’t much to deal with. I left Adrian on the streetcorner and he never Talked about a thing.

Following a 3 o’clock lunch, Michael and I took a closed tour of Storyeum. We had a lot of fun. He walking me past and though the dusty cement floored backgrounds and hidden hallways. He’s learning and I appreciate it. Behind the scenes was less of a surprise than I thought it might. How do I know all this technical? How is it I notice fractured perspective upon walking into a room? I knew more than I supposed. What an odd education that allows for such things. Of all of it, even more than the locomotive, my favorite was the splendid Raven on a stick. In my mind, I dropped to my knees. What torture to not be able to bring home such an alluring delight. Plus, hey, I got to touch one of the projectors. *drool* I asked him to tell Jaques that I was “considering” dropping by for my films. I dearly hope the message is relayed wtih inflection. My decision will likely be put off until July, but I will not expect him to wait so long.

After dropping off my cheque at the bank on first, the entirety of my day was a halfplan to visit Neriad and Alex with fruit. I stopped by Sweet Cheribim, but then I ran into Silva. She was driving up Commercial when she caught me at Venebles. Another block and I would have been lost to the sidestreets. We went food shopping and she brought me up to date. Dinner was in the garden at her house, with two black cats chasing eachother and the insects. Life is throwing her some changes. Her Love has decided that she has to live in San Fransico and simply can’t commute anymore. She’s quitting SFU and the house is being sold from under her. Eleven years there and her Love is too far away. It’s sad, but I don’t believe the day will break her. Looking back on our life together, there is nothing there but time coming and her slicing the waves. It’s an interesting perspective, getting to see the eyes of someone who’s known me since I was four. We’re complicated in different ways, and we love all the more for it. My family is precious. I’m glad I brought her happiness today. It was like turning on a light. I left her on the phone with Kip. She will be alone, but more carefree.

A crocus will come up every year. If you pick it, that one dies, and doesn’t return. I’ve had moments in my life that were distinctly reminiscent–where you don’t want to be the person to interrupt something amazing. How can one tell if one’s replanting a crocus or picking and killing it? And if the latter, is that something you’d be willing to be responsible for?

I suppose, though that’s not quite what I’m concerned for

It’s a responsibility – changing a relationship. Taking on a person and their needs and wants and yours and drat – It’s just scary, I suppose. I guess I’m a ‘good girl’ under and I’m not being anything different yet.
When I want a relationship – it happens. It’s the want and tug and pull that’s easy.
“I want this” is simple.

I don’t think gender has a lot to do with it, but also in a very big way it does. It all depends on what the topic is and the situation. Where the Dance is, who’s leading.
The pursuit is fine. It is not the problem. I like the pursuit – it’s fun. The twirl is wonderful. Meeting someone new is never a problem. Because no matter, you’re still in the chase then. You’re just beginning the first steps. It’s the decisions, the finality that gets me.
It’s the dedication – the previously mentioned dedication. The step that cannot be recalled
That last final flinging yourself into the abyss. The word, the kiss. That whatever it is that shifts everything sideways.

I am the empress of delay.

Choosing in that moment – I am afraid to say Yes.

I love moments wherein you’re confessing a particular opinion to someone who then says it in exact unison.
It makes me giggle inside my head. “He’s a bit creepy”

I think I need a shot of mercy. Straight up, sticky blue in the shot glass. An able to give forgiveness as well as compassion. Top up the glass with understanding, with the slightest fruity hint of kindness. Let them sift and simmer together. Let colours swirling become empathy, emotion. Let the drink feel smooth going down, yet catch in the throat with a burn. Let you be sitting in a hotel bar, with a view of the lobby. Watch the players unite under elevator music. She’s obviously waiting, but not for what. She’s playing with her ring, she’s nervous, she doesn’t know why. Your hand trails down to your necklace, and you meet his eyes. It’s combat with wills. Will you be more stubborn than me? I see the strap between your teeth. I grab it and you won’t let go. I want to paint his nails with class. Show the room outside what I see. I won’t take pictures quietly.

Desire carries consequence.
can i dare that responsibility

I think that’s the first actual epiphany this journal has afforded me. Somehow, I’d never worded that before.

I’m not sure how I feel about it.